


Merle Seduces An Actor

by phantomthief_fee



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, John's a big actor, M/M, Merle is interested purely because of this, Rated teen for swearing, Taako knows and hates him
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-04
Updated: 2018-03-04
Packaged: 2019-03-26 17:27:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13862442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phantomthief_fee/pseuds/phantomthief_fee
Summary: After being taken to the theatre by his kids, Merle manages to seduce one of the actors





	1. Chapter 1

Merle wasn’t normally a theater person. He found it pretty boring honestly. This horrified Taako and Lup, who insisted upon dragging him to every theater performance they could. Merle had pretty much given up trying to dissuade them. It wasn’t the worst thing in the world, being dragged to plays and musicals. It was a nice chance to spend time with the kids. This week they were going to Hamlet. They were going to this specific play because Taako’s boyfriend was in it. 

“This is the one in Denmark, right?” Merle asked as they entered. “Everyone dies, don’t they?”

“Well, duh.” It’s a tragedy.” Taako said. 

“But yeah, it’s set in Denmark,” Lup added. “I hear they got some big actor to play Claudius.”

“It’s not fucking John, is it?” Taako wrinkled his nose. 

“Who’s John?” Merle asked, suddenly rather curious. It wasn’t like there was any shortage of people that Taako and Lup disliked, but Merle liked to hear about each specific person. It made him feel closer to the kids and all that. 

“John fucking Hunger.” Taako spat. “He’s some big shot actor in the theater world. Used to be a motivational speaker or something. I met him a couple times and yeesh, guy’s got a stick so far up his ass he coughs leaves. Takes everything way too seriously if you ask me.”

“Are you just saying that because he didn’t like your food?” Lup asked, slipping an arm around her twin’s shoulder. 

“Am not!” Taako tried to push her off. This led to the two of them fighting in the middle of the lobby while Merle ambled off to get their tickets. He’d read Hamlet at one point, he was sure if it. Hell if he knew when though. Wasn’t important anyway. He was just happy to be with Lup and Taako. The two of them had been so busy lately. Lup with her teaching job and Taako with his restaurant and Angus.  It felt good to be spending time with them again. The ticket attendant handed over the tickets and Merle made his way back to the twins. They’d moved to fighting at the entrance to the theater, although they’d switched topics to arguing about which of them made the cuter couple with their significant other. 

“You kids coming?” Merle asked, walking past them. They nodded, never stopping in their argument as they followed him. Lup and Taako had both made generous donations to the theater, and thus had earned them front row seats. 

“These are pretty rad, huh?” Merle commented, settling into his seat. He was sitting between Lup and Taako to prevent them from squabbling through the play.

“You are such a dad.” Taako groaned. Lup just grinned. She’d encouraged Merle to use that word. Mostly to annoy Taako. 

Soon enough the play began. Merle didn’t exactly find himself enraptured. It was good, make no mistake, but he didn’t love it. Hamlet wasn’t really his thing. The Tempest or A Midsummer Night’s Dream were more in his lane. He found himself drifting in and out of the play. Until the actor playing Claudius walked on. That was when Merle got interested. The man was tall, middle aged, and rather handsome in Merle’s eyes. The man had an almost arrogant air about him, a sort of highbrow attitude that probably made him insufferable. But there was sadness in his eyes, as well as dissatisfaction. Merle had a feeling the guy could use a shoulder to cry on. He was always sticking his nose where it didn’t belong and he was more than happy to do it again. 

“Who’s the guy playing the evil uncle?” He whispered to Lup. 

“That’s John,” Lup whispered back. “John Hunger. The guy Taako doesn’t like.”

“He’s an asshole, okay?” Taako hissed. “Now shut it! Krav’s on!” Merle looked back at John. He’d gone after worse guys. He made weird faces at Joh all throughout the play, trying to get his attention. He certainly managed to get a few glares from the actor, as well as a smile or two, and even a laugh. This seemed to bother John quite a bit, and it showed. 

“I can’t believe you.” Taako said when the play was over. “Why were you making faces at fucking John the whole play?”

“C’mon bro, you were making faces at Krav too.” Lup folded her arms. 

“That’s different! He’s my boyfriend!”

“I just thought the guy was, what’s the word...? Smexy?”

Taako looked at him in absolute horror. Lup snorted before breaking into an uncontrollable fit of laughter. She laughed so hard she fell onto the ground, tears streaming down her face. 

“I need to bleach my brain.” Taako turned away, still horrified. “That is a word you should not know.” 

“What? What did I say?” Merle followed after him into the lobby. Just then, Merle felt a hand grab his. He was pulled back through the crowd and into a dressing room. Only then did the other person let go. As it turned out, it was none other than John Hunger, looking less than pleased. 

“You have a lot of nerve,” John said, folding his arms. 

“I got you to smile, didn’t I?” Merle gave him a big smile. 

“You made me break character!”

“Happens to the best of us.” 

John groaned and pinched his nose. “You’re not taking this seriously.”

“No, I am not.”

“Do you even know who I am?” John demanded. 

“I know you’re a guy my kid doesn’t like.”

For a moment, John looked confused. Then recognition dawned on his face and he sighed heavily. 

“So  _ you’re _ Merle.”

“That’s me!” Merle grinned, jerking a thumb at himself. He hadn’t thought Taako would talk about him to other people, but apparently he’d been wrong. 

“Kravitz has mentioned you before.” John said. “You are...exactly as strange as I assumed you were going to be.” Merle wiggled his eyebrows in a way that was very clearly supposed to be suggestive. John shook his head and sighed. 

“Who wears a Hawaiian shirt to the theatre?”

“Me, obviously.” Merle put his hands on his hips. “What’s wrong with the Hawaiian shirt?”

“It’s just...rather inappropriate, don’t you think?” John asked. 

“I don’t see anything wrong with it.” Merle said. This made John sigh again.

“Of course you wouldn’t.” He muttered, running a hand through his hair. 

“Hey, why’d you drag me in here anyway?” Merle asked, looking around. The dressing room was surprisingly clean. Everything was put away, the clothes were folded or hung up on racks. It was nothing like Merle’s room at home. 

“I...” John frowned as if considering this. “I was upset that you were heckling me.”

“Wasn’t heckling you.” Merle got up and started looking around. “Just thought you were handsome. Wanted to see you smile.” John flushed, a bit taken aback by this, but he quickly recovered. 

“Excuse me, what are you doing?” He demanded as Merle looked around.

“Looking around,” Merle said. “I’ve never been in an actual dressing room before. Didn’t expect it to be so clean, though.”

“I like things being clean. Don’t touch that!” John chased Merle around the room, snatching items out of Merle’s hands. Merle was having the time of his life winding John up. He made it so easy. Eventually, John ended up pinning Merle to the wall. Merle raised an eyebrow. 

“Are you flirting with me?” He asked, almost smirking. John immediately went bright red and backed up, putting his hands up.

“I’m joking!” Merle assured him. “Man, you are uptight.” John groaned and covered his face. 

“Look, just...forget this happened. Please.” 

“Only if I could get your number.” Merle winked. 

“What?! Why?” John looked up at Merle in complete disbelief. 

“I like you.” Merle slapped his back. “You’re a pretty interesting guy.” John stared at him for a good few minutes, eyes wide. He did, however, take out his phone and hold it out to Merle. Merle took it and put in his number. 

“That’s my number.” Merle handed it back to John and gave him a wink. “Text me, will ya.” John nodded slowly. Merle left the dressing room whistling to himself. Taako and Lup were in the lobby, presumably looking for him. 

“Where’d you go?” Lup asked. “You just sort of vanished.”

“John took me to his dressing room,” Merle said with a big smile. 

“Oh my gods. You two didn’t fuck, did you?” Taako made a disgusted face. “You’re like 60!”

“I’m 55,” Merle said flatly. 

“Did you get his number~” Lup asked in a singsong voice. Merle grinned and nodded. At that moment, his phone buzzed. He pulled it out and checked his messages. There, at the top of the screen, was a text from an unknown number. 

_ This is John. Would you perhaps like to play chess sometime? I’d like to speak to in a setting where I’m not flustered. _

Merle chuckled to himself and typed out a reply. 

_ I’d love to. Just give me a time and place.  _


	2. Chapter 2

They met up in a park the next day to play chess. John showed up in the most stereotypical disguise Merle had ever seen. The old dwarf almost laughed when he saw John walking up. 

“What’s so funny?” John demanded. 

“You look ridiculous!” Merle snorted. “Why’re you dressed like that?”

“I’m trying to keep a low profile,” John said coolly, sitting down. “I am a celebrity after all.”

“Alright alright.” Merle put his hands up. “Let’s play chess.” And so they began playing. As it turned out, John was a very good chess player. Merle had to admit, he was impressed. He wasn’t sure what he’d expected, but it certainly hadn’t been this.

“You’re good,” Merle commented as they played. “How long have you been playing?”

“Most of my life,” John said, moving his pawn. “I suppose you could say I was a rather boring child. I never had very many friends.”

“Yeah, I was a weird kid too.” Merle let out a small chuckle. “My thing was plants. I like plants. They’re cool. It’s why I went into botany in college.” 

“Botany? Really?” 

“That and environmental science.” Merle shrugged. “I run a flower shop now. It’s nice. Quiet. I like it like that.”

“Mm.” John moved another piece. “Sometimes I wonder if I should have done something like that with my life.”

“Do you regret becoming an actor?” Merle wasn’t surprised by how quickly the conversation was moving. People had always opened up to him. He apparently reminded everyone of their grandfather. 

“No. I really do enjoy it.” John smiled slightly. “There’s nothing like being onstage, having people watch and applaud you. It can just...be a bit difficult, you know?” 

“Yeah, I’ve heard Taako’s boyfriend say stuff like that before.” Merle nodded. “He works at a funeral home to make ends meet. You do anything like that?”

“I do supplement my income by being a drama teacher on occasion,” John said. “I do not enjoy it, however. Children are...not my favourite thing.”

“I love kids!” Merle said. “Got two of my own.”

“Taako and Lup, correct?” 

“Well, technically.” Merle laughed to himself. “I’ve only got two kids who are biologically mine, and their names are Mavis and Mookie. Taako and Lup are kinda like my foster kids. And then there’s Magnus, Lucretia, Barry, little Ango, and even Krav. I co-parent with Davenport.” John looked up, surprise registering on his face. 

“You have a large family.” He said. 

“Yeah, we kinda collect family members.” Merle continued to laugh. None of them really had anyone else. Either they had no other family or they didn’t have a good relationship with their family. 

“It must be nice.” John smiled ever so slightly. “Having such a tight-knit family.”

“Do you not have a good relationship with your family?” Merle asked. 

“Nothing like that.” John shook his head. “We just weren’t close. My family was rather small anyway. Most of them are dead, anyway.” He talked about it as though it was no big deal. 

“I’m sorry to hear that.” Merle reached over and patted his shoulder. 

“I wouldn’t consider it that big of a deal,” John said. “Everyone dies.” 

“Yeah, but it’s sad.” Merle patted his shoulder again. John made a small affirmative noise, his brow furrowing. They played in silence for a few more minutes until Merle won. He had a feeling that John hadn’t been giving it his all, though. 

“Something wrong there, Johnny boy?” Merle asked. “Seemed like you were zoning out a bit.” 

“I probably was,” John admitted, exhaling loudly. “You.....You’re not like anyone I’ve ever met before, Merle.”

“Should I be flattered?” Merle chuckled. 

“You’re a good man, Merle,” John said. 

“Thanks.” Merle grinned. “People don’t tell me that too often.” 

“They should.” John smiled softly. Merle raised an eyebrow. It was an awfully tender expression that he’d never expected to see on John’s face. But it was nice. He felt like he’d been let in on some little secret. He had a feeling he was going to enjoy John’s company. 

“Do you wanna maybe do this again?” Merle asked. “Meet up and play chess, I mean.”

“I’d like that,” John said. 

“Great!” Merle got up and slapped John’s back. “Well, you’ve got my number!” He started to walk away, but John caught Merle’s hand. 

“Would you like to get some lunch?” He asked slightly sheepishly. Merle blinked for a moment, then nodded. 

“Sure, why not? I know a good place not too far from here.”

“It’ll be my treat.” 

“Well, I never turn down free food!” 

They set off after that. And if John’s fingers brushed Merle’s, that was just a coincidence. 

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to write some more Johnchurch, so here we are.


End file.
